RHITCOCX

2007-01-12T15:55:00.002-06:00

Well friends and loyal reader, the sad time has come for me to depart. You've probably predicted this happening for a time now but the announcement is now official.

I have a bad habit. I can't stay with one thing for too long a time and I can't stay with a group of people for too long either. I went to two grade schools and lost all contact those friends when I went to high school. After high school, I ended up losing contact with most of those people also. After one year at my first college, I switched schools and promptly lost complete contact with those people. And now my fellow droogs, with my destination unknown and my outlooks dim, I must continue to ramble forth. Perhaps I will meet some of you again in the future, but that would be a rare or deliberate instance. Maybe, I might even return here. And maybe one day, I will once again laugh and smile sincerely but that day appears to be far off.

I leave you with the final paragraph from A Clockwork Orange and a photo.

But where I itty now, O my brothers, is all on my oddy knocky, where you cannot go. Tomorrow is all like sweet flowers and the turning vonny earth and the stars and the old Luna up there and your old droog Alex all on his oddy knocky seeking like a mate. And all that cal. A terrible grahzny vonny world, really, O my brothers. And so farewell from your little droog. And all others in this story profound shooms of lipmusic brrrrrr. And they can kiss my sharries. But you, O my brothers, remember sometimes thy little Alex that was. Amen. And all that cal.

2006-12-20T16:33:00.000-06:00

So's I am in Mexico at the moment. I have the internet but it's as good as Mexican internet can get. Surfing Wikipedia for fun. Found this guy. A career choice perhaps?

~~Wish you were here~~ Wish I was there,
Me

2006-12-15T02:14:00.000-06:00

2006-12-12T14:42:00.000-06:00

In case you missed Obama's historic anouncement last night.

2006-12-06T23:57:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking of expanding the line of enemies for the MechaMuffinKing. Besides Comrade Gingerbread, I'm thinking of writing a story involving Doctor Von Creme, a german-styled evil ice cream cone scientist and another story involving Keebler Khan, the leader of a barbaric and nomadic horde of elvish cooks.

2006-12-05T12:30:00.000-06:00

Kismet

2006-11-11T23:03:00.000-06:00

Zam has a cameo in the new movie Stranger Than Fiction. He's in the background and he's very blurry but I can tell it's him cause of his lankyness and bag.

Good movie by the way. Zam's character, however, lacked substance.

2006-11-11T12:57:00.000-06:00

Yahoo! Top Stories - Oscar-winner Jack Palance dies at 87

Curly has died so his gold is officially up for grabs.

2006-11-01T17:08:00.001-06:00

John Kerry's Komedy Kareer Sees Last Days

Many comedy club owners and patrons have expressed exasperation with Democrat U.S. Senator John Kerry's recent bid into stand-up comedy. Kerry, who lost his bid for President against Bush in 2004, had within recent weeks began to appear in comedy clubs across the state of Massachusetts during Amateur Hours and Open-Mic nights. His comedy set, however, has gained much criticism.

"Ok, so a man goes home early one night because he thinks his wife is cheating on him," said U.S. Senator Kerry to the half-interested audience. "Oh wait, let me start again. Three people die and go to the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter says they can only let in the one who died the worst death. So Peter talks with the first guy alone and HE says. 'So I go home early one day because I think my wife is cheating on me.' Oh, did I mention that the guy lives in a tall apartment building? Yeah, that's important. He lives in a tall apartment building."

Matt Lemley, the owner of the Boston comedy club Yuk-Yuk Farm, had found Kerry's set to be uninspired and boring.

"He's lacking emotion," said Lemley. "I can tell he's trying but his jokes are always worded incorrectly. He says one thing but means another and he leaves out important details. He's either the worst comic I've ever seen or a comedic genius who's schtick is to be incompetent at what he does."

John Kerry 'kicks it up a notch' with a mid-set costume addition.

This isn't the first time Kerry's comedy technique has been criticized. In 2001 while at a friend's barbecue, Kerry made a racial joke that was misinterpreted as an attack on NASA when he failed to mention that it was in fact the Polish government that had planned a manned expedition to the sun at night. Also, in 2006, Kerry's attack on Bush's intelligence was misinterpreted as an attack on the U.S. fighting force.

Kerry continued with his comedy set for the full ten minutes despite receiving a lukewarm response.

"'So my wife is in the shower and I search the house for the man. I look out my window and see my neighbor hanging off the balcony.' Oh hang on," Interrupted Kerry as he squinted his eyes and scratched his forehead. "The man didn't know the guy hanging from the balcony was his neighbor. I mean, you know that, but he didn't know that. So anyway, the guy says, "I started yelling at the man on my balcony and started to attack his fingers. I crushed them with a hammer and he fell down into the bushes. I saw he was still alive so I got the stove and threw it on top of him, killing him. I was so sad tha'...wait. Did I say drop a stove? I meant to say that he dropped his refrigerator. Yeah, he had to drop the refrigerator. The third guy's hiding in the refrigerator. He's not in the stove. Where was I?"

2006-10-30T21:27:00.000-06:00

Oh dear God, I knew this day would come. Well, guess it's back to TV.

2006-10-27T23:28:00.000-05:00

The Onion Magazine

It's da truff.

2006-10-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

A place for men with facial hair: MyBeard.org

2006-10-19T13:43:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited! Finally, after years of work and countless letters later, I found someone who is willing to put Homemade Napalm on the big screen. I sent him the script and our version of it and he loved it so much, he's gonna remake it for the international audience. Of course, by international, I mean Bollywood. The movie is being made by a small studio in India. But that doesn't matter.

So far, he's sent me a small trailer of the movie. You can watch it here complete with translation.

Good times are ahead. :-b

2006-10-16T23:59:00.000-05:00

Has nothing to do with Monday Night Football. Seriously.

2006-10-05T15:18:00.000-05:00

A great political reference site with a horrible url

URLs are important. When will people learn.

2006-09-27T00:22:00.000-05:00

Even after five years of tenderness, one year of neglect has killed the fire. The once bright flame has slowly dimmed and turned to ash.

It's been fun. I'll have the memories. Good bye and thanks for all the fish.

2006-09-21T20:25:00.000-05:00

The temperature in my room is 64 degrees and dropping. Winter is coming. I'll be dead soon.

2006-09-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

2006-09-14T18:59:00.000-05:00

So I got my hair cut today. Which hair was cut will have to be a surprise until you see me.

2006-08-28T19:53:00.000-05:00

Time once again for The Might Thor to answer Facebook mail. On to you Thor...

Hey,

Wanna be friends? I can teach you all sorts of things and help you solve life's problems!

Mr. Feeny

Mr. Feeny,

Until the day you can crush the armies of your enemies with such great swiftness that many epics poems are written and orally handed down through generations, until the day your name strikes fear and panic into villages that are too far for you to reach, until the day your axe handle is dyed red with the blood of slain soldiers, women, children, and their livestock, until the day you are finally defeated in battle, gripping your sword so tightly that your enemy can never take it as a prize, on that day you will join me in Valhalla and I will give you a goblet of mead. On that day, you will be my friend. So yeah, then it'll be cool to friend me.

May the skulls of your enemies overflow with mead,

The Might Thor

2006-08-10T13:56:00.000-05:00

On thursday August 10, 2006, our terror levels are at Bert for most of the country, Ernie for all commercial flights and Elmo for flights from the U.K.

I repeat: DEFCON level Elmo! Kiss your loved ones, spend all your money and pray to any of the gods in desperation. We's in some deep Elmo now.

2006-08-07T23:40:00.000-05:00

or watch it here is the link above doesn't work.

2006-07-31T17:14:00.000-05:00

Nothing can stop Wolverine!

2006-07-31T16:42:00.000-05:00

Last night I had a dream where I had a Jewish next-door neighbor who was cooking on his grill. The smoke from it was very thick and it was being blown into my house because of the wind. I went outside and asked him politely to stop grilling or to move his grill. Well, he didn't take it too kindly and he started yelling at me in hebrew (or something). He takes out a cell phone and calls someone and I hear a roar from behind me. I look over my shoulder in time to see a computer guided missle strike my dog and obliterate him in a puff of fire and smoke. I turned back to my neighbor and he just says: "Missed."

More writings to come. I'm back, baby.

:-b

2006-06-22T16:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I have good news and bad news.

The Good:
Last night I had a comedic epiphany. While watching an episode of Family Guy, I suddenly realized the scope of postmodernist humor and my desire to create the evolved form which I am currently calling Neo-Enlightenment. This form will have lasting effects on comedy and will rewrite 21st century views and study of philosophy.

The Bad:
Because this new system of thought is so different to what I or others are accustomed, all of my current comedy writings shall be postponed indefinitely. I need to clear my comedy conscience and begin the slow process of comedic learning from a fresh point. I will be writing new things in the future but because of the way my theory works, none of it will actually be funny for a while.

Wish me luck! :-b

2006-06-08T16:28:00.000-05:00

The People's Mario

and more evidence.

2006-06-06T12:21:00.000-05:00

The Doom Song

YAY

2006-06-02T16:44:00.000-05:00

Day 2:

God damn son of a motherless goat-fucking whore! Another kick in the face for me. Actually, I would much prefer that kick in the face. At least that would heal.

FUCK

2006-06-02T00:44:00.000-05:00

W00T! It is DONE! ...or is it just beginning?

Dun Dun DUUUNNNNNN

2006-06-01T18:42:00.000-05:00

God damn son of a motherless FUCK!

2006-05-31T21:07:00.000-05:00

The Bible Game

*GOD Mode Activated!*

2006-05-28T03:19:00.000-05:00

Alternate reality game - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Am I a nerd for thinking this looks so cool?

2006-05-27T00:28:00.000-05:00

2 Vikings plead guilty in boat party case

I was REALLY disappointed with that article. I had high hopes.

2006-05-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

I have found my God and it is Pat "Hercules" Robertson.

2006-05-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

Danae (c. 490-480BC)

Zeus was kinky.

2006-05-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

I've searched all over for a way to replace my cell phone and what do you know, the day after Jesus' Day, I hear about this:

About SkypeOut

...you can make free calls within the US and Canada to both landlines and mobile phones until the end of the year. It’s really easy; there are no contract fees, no line rentals. All you need is Skype and a phone number you want to call.

Of course, you can't call me but it's a step in the right direction.

2006-05-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday, May 14 again which means it's Mother's Day. I'd just like to take this time and wish someone a happy day.

Happy Mother's Day Jesus.

Because a day not celebrating Jesus, is a day closer to hell.

2006-05-12T01:03:00.000-05:00

Ever find something on the internet you wish you hadn't? Yeah. We've all been there.

oh boy

2006-05-10T23:20:00.000-05:00

Superman and Green Lantern ain't got nothing on me.

2006-05-07T16:35:00.000-05:00

The Son-of-a-Gun (1919)

The Son-of-a-Gun. If you liked this movie, check the recommendations.

2006-05-07T13:23:00.000-05:00

Putfile - Happy Fun Ball

2006-04-29T03:24:00.000-05:00

Outpost Nine :: Editorials :: I Am a Japanese School Teacher

"It was then I realized that, with great power, comes great responsibility. Me getting the stuffing poked right outta my ass and my dick sized up by tiny Japanese hands was a metaphor (isn't everything a metaphor?). It means that no matter what personal trials one may face...no matter how hard the times may be, how bleak the outcome may look, you can't give in. You can't submit to the ANGST! and wallow in moodiness and listen to Linkin Park songs on infinite repeat. No. You must face life head on, for if you do not, your Kancho Sense™ will shut down and you'll get a pair of fingers jammed up your asscrack.

Who am I? I am a Japanese school teacher."

It is this system that we shall call Japan.

It's best to read the other stories here so this story makes sense.

2006-04-18T21:38:00.000-05:00

The Order of the Stick - by Rich Burlew

2006-04-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

Grand Celestial Do : The Fighting Art of the Cosmos

Because violence transcends all boundaries.

2006-04-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

Because I was bored and decided to be like everyone else. Be warned, these REALLY did pop up.

Put your ipod/Limewire/whatever playlist on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!

How am I feeling today?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

Will I get far in life?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

How do my friends see me?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

Where will I get married?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What is the story of my life?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What was high school like?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

How can I get ahead in life?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What is the best thing about me?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

How is today going to be?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What is in store for this weekend?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What song describes my parents?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

To describe my grandparents?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

How is my life going?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What song will they play at my funeral?:
Man Being Eaten By A Crocodile- Sound FX CD

How does the world see me?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

Will I have a happy life?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What do my friends really think of me?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

Do people secretly lust after me?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

How can I make myself happy?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What should I do with my life?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

Will I ever have children?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What is some good advice for me?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

How will I be remembered?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What is my signature dancing song?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What do I think my current theme song is?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

What type of men/women do you like?
Play That Funky Music (White Boy)- Wild Cherry

2006-04-06T22:05:00.000-05:00

Ah, there's nothing quite like a thick mist that can reacquaint a man with his mortality.

2006-04-01T15:59:00.000-06:00

I Live!!!

...and so does Google. Happy April Fool's Day foo.

Google Romance

2006-03-06T15:57:00.000-06:00

"If I want to imagine a fictive nation, I can give it an invented name, treat it declaratively as a novelistic object, create a new Garabagne, so as to compromise no real country by my fantasy (though it is then that fantasy itself I compromise by the signs of literature). I can also--though in no way claiming to represent or to analyze reality itself (these being the major gestures of Western discourse)--isolate somewhere in the world (faraway) a certain number of these features (a term employed in linguistics). and out of these features deliberately form a system. It is this system which I shall call: Japan."

~Empire of Signs

2006-02-26T13:35:00.000-06:00

JACKAL

This is an mpg movie file of a pellet gun shaped to look like gun from an anime/manga series.

:-b..........

2006-02-21T21:43:00.000-06:00

An Open Letter to the Person Who Broke Into My Car on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

"An Open Letter to the Person Who Broke Into My Car"

"Hey pal.

First off, thanks for being decent and not smashing the window. It's the quick, easy, brutish way, and I know you went the extra mile by jimmying my lock. It's the little niceties that really make one feel special.

I don't hold it against you that you took my iPod. I'm sure you can buy lots of crack or meth or Thunderbird with it. It's a sweet little toy too, so I hope you took some time to play with it before you pawned it. Also, smart move taking the charger. That'll make it a street corner deal to die for.

Not sure what you want with the visor holder full of scratched-up cd-r's. Maybe you just wanted to hear that Grateful Dead Hampton, VA show with the skip in Tennessee Jed. Maybe it's trippier with a lot of wine or something, I dunno.

You took my Leatherman tool too, so obviously you know the hard life of the street; bottles to open, philips screws to loosen, locks to wrench, and the two inch blade might just save your life. Whatever.

A few questions haunt me though, such as, why did you take my ashtray? Surely you have one better suited to sit on a crate and catch stray crack rocks. And my sunglasses holder. I mean it was free for me, but hey, I guess it was a shopping spree for you. Hope it holds your tea shades well. Was my radio really that crappy? I know it's nothing great, but leaving it behind after stealing my ashtray, lighter plug and sunglasses holder makes me feel kind of second rate.

So in summation, I hope you have a happy holiday, and thank you for shopping the parking lots at USC. Where your crime is still important to us.

Sincerely,

Ben. "

The internet. Full of wonder and magic.

2006-02-20T22:32:00.000-06:00

One year ago today, I was sitting in the Mechanical Engineering lab of the University of Illinois at Champaign-Urbana. I was bored that day and was in the UNIX lab editing the website I created using the free webspace that the school provided. I had no real reason to be in the lab because the class that used that specific lab finished the semester before, so I sat there surrounded by people who had real work to do and edited bitty lines of HTML. It was getting late so I rode my bike back to my dormroom.

I turned on my laptop and immediately opened my browser. There on my Yahoo homepage, was a news link saying that Hunter S. Thompson had died.

The details from those first articles were vague. I know this because I read them all and I mean literally read them all. I checked every news source. I checked every search engine. I checked message boards. No one printed in detail what had happened. No one knew for sure. All that was official was that the Doctor had died of a gunshot wound. No information where he was shot or how he was shot. And during all this time, in the back of my head, I hoped that this was a hunting accident gone awry.

(Happiness is a Warm Gun by The Beatles begins to play through my speakers at the moment)

I didn't sleep that night. I might have stayed up to do homework or I might have been up reading. I do not remember. All I can remember is waiting for the morning to arrive so I could be the first to get the newspaper. At about 4 in the morning, I went to the front desk and waited for the newspapers to arrive. When they did, I took a copy of the Chicago Tribune and USA Today back to my room to examine them both. The Tribune had the Thompson story at the bottom of the front page and extending to the 6th page. USA Today had a tiny Thompson blurb at the top of the front page and had the full article in section 3A.

(Mr. Tamborine Man by Bob Dylan begins to play through my speakers)

This was obviously big news and I was undescribably saddened. The days seemed gray and cloudy and slowly it occured to me that nothing had changed. My heart was screaming in anger but everywhere I looked, there were no signs that anyone else noticed. I felt alone. I was alone.

I began to clip everything relating to Hunter S. Thompson from the newspapers. I was insane. I clipped the USA Today article and blurb and the Chicago Tribune article. The following days, I clipped editorial pieces about Thompson from the Tribune even though some of them I disagreed with. In mid-March, Doonesbury had a weeklong tribute to the Doctor and I clipped those also. I even clipped local things. A few small 'zines and newspapers had their own stories and I took those. When Rolling Stone Magazine published the special Thompson issue, I bought it the second I could find it. I still remember waiting for that magazine. The previous issue had a picture of Bob Marley and that picture still annoys me to this day.

And while I was in my insanity, nothing made me sadder than the lack of acknowledgement from everyone else. There was NOTHING. I had to do something and so I printed out a small 3 by 6 inch Gonzo Fist and wore it by placing it in my rolled up right sleeve. I wore that for about a month, hoping that somewhere, someone would recognize the symbol and mention something to me. A few words were all I wanted to know that someone else cared. But nothing came from my sleeve Fist so I printed another Gonzo Fist and taped it to the left sleeve of my jacket.

One day while running to catch a bus, someone said to me, "Hey, Gonzo died." The bus I wanted to catch was already there, but I stopped and turned to him. "Yes, Hunter S. Thompson died," I said correcting him. "Oh yeah," He said. Then turning to his friends he said, "I read about it..." He didn't really know and he didn't really care. I missed my bus and sat at a bench outside in the dark. My mind was in complete silence because I was afraid to think. I would have only made things worse by thinking about what had just happened.

It is now February 20th once again and I do not know if things are ok again. I don't think they will ever be ok. I am no longer in Mechanical Engineering and moved back to the city to begin a Journalism degree. Still, I do not know anyone who is as big a fan of the doctor as I am. I have seen some writings online but these are still impersonal pixels positioned to resemble words. So today, I manipulate these pixels and chuck them into the mixing pot known as the internet. Read them if you like. Ignore them if you want. I just needed to finally write what happened.

(The Ballad of Hunter S. Thompson by Bob Wyman begins to play on my iTunes list)

"And he's gone
to Hawaii.
He's gone
with the Angels of 'Frisco
He's gone
to Las Vegas.
He's gone, He's gone.
Gonzo."

"At the top of the mountain, we are all snow leopards."
~Hunter S. Thompson

2006-02-18T23:03:00.000-06:00

(sigh)

I remember the days when I would be interested in about 20 random subjects at once and attack them all with such energy to the point of accomplishment and boredom.

What happened to me?

2006-02-11T18:08:00.000-06:00

finally, an update.

2006-01-05T08:10:00.000-06:00

IBDB: The official source for Broadway Information

I guess this is necessary source of information...I guess.

2005-12-31T16:13:00.000-06:00

Coming up soon (probably Sunday or so) I will write,

Pancho Chazaro's 2005 Guide to Topical Humor and Tips for Good Eats

Also, I will write sometime within the week the list of 100 things I shall have to do before I die.

2005-12-19T18:59:00.000-06:00

If you hadn't heard, I will be out of the country until December 31st. I will return on that day very early in the morning so I will still be able to do some New Year's Eve partying and such and such. See you after the holiday and perhaps every once in a while online.

Sayonara.

2005-12-15T23:23:00.000-06:00

(Sigh) Holidays can sure be depressing. Instead of posting a long and boring rant, I'd like to remind everyone that this is perfect pigeon stomping weather. It's cold enough that pigeons are barely moving and probably wouldn't mind the swift boot of death.

Go. Crush. Kill Pigeons.

2005-12-12T11:35:00.000-06:00

Well, I haven't made a post in quite a while so...

The many Jesuss...Jesuses...Jesii?

More to come at another time. For realz for real.

2005-11-28T00:02:00.000-06:00

Why didn't anyone tell me?!?!?!? Why!?!?!?! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

CNN.com - Pat Morita, 'Karate Kid's' Mr. Miyagi, dies - Nov 25, 2005.

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Actor Pat Morita, whose portrayal of the wise and dry-witted Mr. Miyagi in "The Karate Kid" earned him an Oscar nomination, has died. He was 73.

Morita died Thursday at his home in Las Vegas of natural causes, said his wife of 12 years, Evelyn. She said in a statement that her husband, who first rose to fame with a role on "Happy Days," had "dedicated his entire life to acting and comedy."

2005-11-16T18:05:00.000-06:00

If ever I should die and someone would deem it glorious to create a memorial for me, I would ask that two plaques be placed near the site: a joke plaque and a real plaque.

One would read:

"This is a plaque. A plaque is a plate of metal attached to a wall or other vertical surface and bearing text in memory of an important figure or event."

The other would read:

"This plaque is currently out of order. Please consult adjacent plaque"

2005-11-14T23:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it turns out that my dad was trying to dig an escape route from our basement to civilization. Luckily, we caught him in time and he has been given an even harsher sentence. On another note, the hole he dug lead to an abandoned chimney system in our house. The hole was closed off a long time ago and was filled with ash for all this time.

While clearing it out, he found unburned pieces of coal, a few marbles or something of the like and a few unburned pieces of paper. Now, I'm a huge history nerd so I just had to examine these things. Below are a few of the more interesting things found.

That last one is a nearly complete medical pamphlet. I say nearly because the cover and back pages seem to be almost entirely missing but the meat of the book is still there.

Now, I am really excited with all these things. If you look at the second picture, you'll be that it is a notice saying, "News Almanac and Year-Book for 1906 is now on sale." These things are almost 100 years old. I am amazed. If I find a coin (ANY coin) in there I will just be floored. Updates as they happen!

2005-11-11T00:58:00.000-06:00

There was once a stone cutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life.

One day he passed a wealthy merchant's house. Through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. "How powerful that merchant must be!" thought the stone cutter. He became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.

To his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. Soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beating gongs. Everyone, no matter how wealthy, had to bow low before the procession. "How powerful that official is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a high official!"

Then he became the high official, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. It was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. He looked up at the sun. It shone proudly in the sky, unaffected by his presence. "How powerful the sun is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the sun!"

Then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. But a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light could no longer shine on everything below. "How powerful that storm cloud is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a cloud!"

Then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. But soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. "How powerful it is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be the wind!"

Then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. But after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge, towering rock. "How powerful that rock is!" he thought. "I wish that I could be a rock!"

Then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. But as he stood there, he heard the sound of a hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. "What could be more powerful than I, the rock?" he thought.

He looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone cutter.

2005-11-08T22:38:00.000-06:00

This summer my goal in life...no, my mission from GOD is to create a delicious sandwich. One which you will tell your children about and the sandwich which all other sandwiches are measured. I will have to find the perfect bread. The perfect meats. The perfect cheese. The perfect condiments. All pieces of the eternal sandwich mystery.

Join me on my epic quest if you wish but I must tell you now, not all of you will make it. Some of you won't return. Some will die in Wisconsin as we're looking for cheeses. But for the survivors, we will eat like victors and the skulls of our enemies will overflow with mead!

So far, I might need help with this quest. The only help I have is this site. Be warned, it has a sound file.

Sandwich Lover's Club

2005-11-07T18:30:00.000-06:00

I think this qualifies as the sexiest crime of the week.

Cheerleaders Had Sex in Bar, Witnesses Say - Yahoo! News

In other news, I'm contemplating whether I want to start venting in this blog and chronicling my daily happenings. I'd be interested in what the three people who read this blog think. I dunno.

2005-11-01T18:57:00.000-06:00

Part I: The Rise of the Muffin King

Far away in a distant realm, there exists a magical land of food. A land blessed by the baker god and populated by his creations; cookies, pasties and candies, all living their life in peace and happiness. And in the eyes of this benevolent god, there was a just and mighty king in this land.

The Muffin King ruled the Muffin Kingdom for many years and all of the muffins in this kingdom truly loved the king greatly. There was never a time when the king would let his subjects suffer alone. If there were little food that harvest, he would eat less himself and if a church burned down, he would be on the site mixing a wheelbarrow of frosting to help construction. The Muffin King saw his duty to protect the citizens of his kingdom and his land and his citizens saw their duty to protect the king if the need would ever arise.

But then one fateful day, the communist Candyland gingerbread soldiers invaded the small border town of Blueberry. A small muffin rode his cracker horse many miles to deliver the news of the event personally to the muffin king and with him, he brought tales of the destruction of the village and murder of its citizens. In response, the king called for the Muffin Knights in his kingdom to gather together in the capitol and prepare to march. War had been declared.

The Muffin/Cookie War has since lasted many years and taken a considerable toll on the citizens of both lands. Many villages had been conquered and ravaged for resources and food, many Muffin Knights and Gingerbread Soldiers have crumbled on the battlefield and for those that did survive, on numerous occasions, many prisoners of war had been sent to the oven. When things looked at its worst for the Muffin Kingdom, disaster struck.

One early spring morning, a Candyland warbird was able to infiltrate the Muffin capital airspace and unload a Two-Ton Gumdrop unto the capital building, killing all the royal advisors and greatly wounding the Muffin King. The muffins nearby rushed to the aid of the Muffin King and soon the word spread that the King was in danger of dying. Doctors and scientist from the corners of the kingdom came to the king’s aid and there was never a time when his body was alone.

His body, however, started drying up and crumbling. There was little the doctors could do in this situation. His body was simply failing. The men viewing the body of the Muffin King knew that there was only one way to save his mind. They would have to rebuild his body. Quickly, they began work on a new suit and engineers were brought quickly to help.

With each passing minute, the gingerbread soldiers were able to push back the unguided Muffin Knights. Muffin citizens and Muffin knights quickly retreated to the capital city that was soon surrounded by the lifeless eyes of thousands of Gingerbread Soldiers and in the back, stood up one soldier without any battle scars. This was Comrade Gingerbread, the leader of the Communist Candyland Military Coup and mastermind behind the invasion of the Muffin Kingdom. He stood looking over the city with a smile and with one outstretched hand, he told his soldiers, “Destroy it!”

The soldiers ran to the gates of the capital but soon all stopped and stared at a mysterious sight. They did not know it, but there blocking the path to the capital was the Muffin King. Now wearing his golden brown battle armor covered in flames to protect his inner temperature. His arms and legs had been replaced with robotic hydraulics to give him the strength of hundreds of Muffins. In his right hand, his royal Scepter had been formed into the shape of a battle-axe and on his head he wore the helmet of a fallen Muffin Knight.

The Muffin King looked over the invading Gingerbread horde and in his helmet, he smiled. He stretched his left hand toward his enemy and in a loud voice said, “Who’s first?”

To be Continued…

2005-10-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

So I logged into my fake Facebook account, The Mighty Thor, like I usually do to accept friend invites and I noticed that I had a message.

Subject: your favorite day

Message: You might want to change your favorite day to Thursday, as Thursday was originally named after you, o' great Thor. Thor'sday became distorted to Thursday.

May your enemies be crushed beneath thy great hammer.

Guess the joke wasn't as obvious as I thought.

Oh, and the White Sox won the world series in case you haven't heard. Yup.

2005-10-26T13:59:00.001-05:00

When the Chicago White Sox last won the World Series in 1917, the world was a very different place. In fact:

Europe was in The Great War
the Ottoman Empire existed
Russia had a czar
Germany had a Kaiser
Daylight saving time didn't exist nor did US time zones
Gas didn't have a tax
The Grand Canyon wasn't a national park
Women weren't recognized nationally with a right to vote
Joan of Arc wasn't a saint
The Lord of the Rings books didn't exist
Al Capone had never been to Chicago
Reader's Digest didn't exist
Time Magazine didn't exist
The New Yorker didn't exist
The Lincoln Memorial wasn't completed
Theodore Roosevelt was alive
Robert Todd Lincoln (Lincoln's son) was alive
US Nickels had buffalos on them
Pennies had wheat on the back
The US quarter featured a topless Liberty
People cared about hockey and started the National Hockey League

2005-10-24T22:08:00.000-05:00

Recently, after many years of research with government grants and countless man-hours that could have been better spent elsewhere, I have discovered the single formula that explains every step of conversation and human interaction that I take with other people. I can now predict what I say, what I will then say, how others will react and and whole cycle of conversing with only a .001% margin of error. Truly remarkable and fascinating.

Of course, if I tell you this formula and you know the dark (and I mean DARK dark) truth behind my words and themes of conversation, then all this research will be void because you'll know the process and try to avoid it making all that research and government grants a waste. So for science, I cannot tell you the answer and you'll have to figure it out.

Or ask me kindly next time you meet me. I dunno. Whatever.

2005-10-24T11:29:00.000-05:00

Taken from another blog...

Regarding tonight's Lotto draw

Wow! I mean, wow. I have a lot of apologizing to do.

First let me state that I did not win Powerball tonight, despite that many calls to your cell phone implying otherwise... but that isn't why I am writing. I am writing because I feel I handled things poorly. Turns out the numbers by buddy Larry gave me earlier were not the winning numbers, and I am not the proud owner of a 340 million dollar winning ticket. That being said... I want you to know that I value each and every one of you. Specifically, though, there is some stuff I need to clear up.

To my friends: You are not fags, nor the mayor of jerktown (population you). That was a census error on my part, for which I accept full responsibility. Your woman is not a fat pig, nor are your children untalented and unbearable retards. This was a temporary lapse in judgement which we have all faltered from.

To my work: I do not quit, and you do not have to go fuck yourselves. That was a lot of caffeine and sugar talking. I did not key your cars, nor did I shit in your briefcases... as was previously (erroneously) reported. I value both you and my job and ask you to take me back. Please!

To my wife: You are not a gold digging whore who has seen the last of this sweet sweet ass. I handled that poorly, and beg of you to let me come back home. Please know that you are number one in my life, and had I won I would have absolutely shared every penny with you. Besides, my lawyer says you would have taken half anyway.

To my lawyer: I have only known you for about four hours, so it't not like we were close. Also, technically you were on 'retainer', right? Thing is, I didn't win the lottery and do not need the following services that I so desperately requested ealier: a divorce, an emancipation from my family, diplomatic immunity, quit claim deed to my house and truck, a safe deposit box under the name Archibald Leesh in Acapulco, 300 million dollars in non transferable swiss francs. Really, there wasn't much of that you probably got done in four hours... and I only actually have $38 currently in my account.

To my peers at work: You need not 'suck it'. That was taken out of context and frankly at least half my fault. Regardless of what I said, I have always liked you and have not slept with hardly any of your spouses recently.

To that cop: I have never hit a cop before. That is not my style, and I pray the court for leniance. It was bad judgement on my part, and probably not nearly as funny as it seemed at the time.

2005-10-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

There is a heavy burden in my heart and a deep struggle within my soul, pulling my emotions and thoughts every which way. I really want to kick a pigeon. You might say I'm experiencing what Sartre talked about with internal struggle and BLAH BLAH BLAH! I just really want to kick a pigeon. I want to run up to a pigeon and kick it like it was a field goal attempt and the Super Bowl rested on it.

And I think more than ever that pigeons need to be kicked. City pigeons have a tendency to be oblivious to external dangers. Have you ever seen a pigeon get run over by an SUV? Have you ever seen that same pigeon carcass then run over by a city bus and explode in a burst of dirty goo? On the one hand, you can just assume that pigeons are a stupid species. But I think there's more to it than that. I think pigeons are cocky. They've lived in the city side-by-side with humans for so long that they think that they're our peers. Strutting up and down the street like they earned it. Monsters!

And so a pigeon will be on the street one day, pecking at a piece of bread when suddenly I turn the corner. I look at him, he looks at me, a tear comes to its eye and I break its tiny tiny bird heart as the toe of my boot collapses its chest resulting in a feathery arc that any physics professor would be proud of.

2005-10-16T23:57:00.000-05:00

WHITE SOX WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!11OMGWTFBBQ11!!!!

2005-10-10T08:01:00.000-05:00

City workers are currently tearing up the front of my house with a Jack hammer AANNNDDD they'll be using my house to reach the back faster meaning I have to stay up and wait in the living room so they don't steal anything. MOTHERLESS FUCK!

2005-10-08T05:36:00.000-05:00

2005-10-06T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna be doing a lot of writing and posting in the coming weeks. Random ramblings the world has never seen! I have a bunch of material backed up and I just need to get it all typed soon and by soon I really mean soon. Not like all those other times I lied to you or that time I lied under oath. THIS time is probably for realz!

Also, I'll be posting my three part epic story about a magical land of food. Part one will be called The Rise of the Muffin King, part two will be The Fall of Comrade Gingerbread and part three will be The Final Battle at Mount Caramelgeddon. I'm really excited so let's see how it all works out.

2005-09-29T19:39:00.000-05:00

Heil Honey I'm Home!

I wonder if they'll make a DVD of this series. Then we can ask them to make a movie out of it and finally a trilogy!!

:-b

2005-09-26T19:41:00.000-05:00

Encyclopedia: MythBusters Episodes

Mythbusters is a great show on the Discovery Channel. If you haven't seen it, here's a recap on the myths.

2005-09-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

I clipped a newspaper article from last week. It is from the Sun-Times here in Chicago. The headline reads, " 'If anything happens to you, I want that suit':coping with a colleague's death." It is a horribly funny article that has this paragraph in it:

One Monday last March, the 29-year-old Rawlings didn't return to work. He'd been shot over the weekend while standing at a bus stop. After his assailant escaped, two passersby approached his bleeding body and stole his wallet...,

...
...wait a minute. This looks familiar...
...
...
...
...

(Streamers and balloons with the number 2 fall from the ceiling)

Wow, has it been 2 years already? Man I'm old. I remember starting this thing back in High school. Didn't have a purpose then, doesn't have one now. The more things change the more they stay the same.

But you know what this means?

DANCE PARTY!!!!

(Gets down with my bad self)(Eats internet pie)

2005-08-28T17:56:00.000-05:00

Random Vin Diesel Facts

Keep hitting refresh and keep being amazed.

2005-08-26T02:01:00.001-05:00

2005-08-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

Work Well with Others

Oh dear lord this is evil. Evil, but pretty damn interesting.

2005-08-19T00:11:00.000-05:00

Ok people, here comes an press report straight from the Blog of Pancho Chazaro/Robert Fernandez/Alexander Zavala.

There have been a bunch of rumors flying around and a few announcements need to be made to set things straight.

Braces have come off

I have changed my Major

I will no longer be attending the University of Illinois at Champaign/Urbana

I did NOT steal a weather-machine

That's all the news for now. This saturday I will be celebrating the firing of the Gonzo Cannon. I, however, am not sure how I will do this. I will have to wait and see.

2005-08-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

Dead People Server Home Page -- http://www.deadpeople.info -- Current List of Dead Celebrities

Always good to know. This even has a list of people who are NOT dead. A few are also balancing on Living/Not living (ex. Schrödinger's cat).

2005-08-11T19:37:00.000-05:00

Religious Amulets

....O...k..

2005-08-02T18:03:00.000-05:00

I can see it and I can feel it. The gates of purgatory are being opened and the fires of Hell are being released.

2005-07-26T17:18:00.000-05:00

Today I finally reached 1000 songs on my iTunes list. It took a year, yes, but I'm a slow collector. So what was the 1000th song?

Living on A Prayer- Bon Jovi

The song that was the theme to last year because I heard it so many times. And to celebrate, I downloaded a bunch of Real Men of Genius clips. HuzzuH!!

2005-07-23T12:54:00.000-05:00

KFC Still Guards Colonel's Secret Recipe - Yahoo! News

It is officially a slow news day. Look later today for articles: "Man buys Hat" and "Cold War Still Over."

2005-07-22T13:58:00.000-05:00

IMDB

Vin Diesel, meet your match.

2005-07-19T15:49:00.000-05:00

Real American Heroes/Real Men of Genius

Don't click on the link unless you have an hour to kill. Believe me, it'll be an enjoyable hour.

2005-07-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

The Thomas Wall Clock Kit

Amazing.

2005-07-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

Purdue Club of Jacksonville Presents How to Light a BBQ Grill
the Purdue Way

The high powered grilling article has been "nerfed." By that, I mean the article was removed because it was actually written by Dave Barry and the engineer used it without permission.

I don't mean "nerfed" as in the Grill was forced to become underpowered so that other grills have a fair chance in PvP zones and to prevent mass amounts of Grills who meat/kill steal.

2005-07-10T23:08:00.000-05:00

MSNBC News Services
Updated: 8:21 p.m. ET March 9, 2001

After significant research, investigators at the University of Las Vegas have found surprising news regarding the origins of the bomp in the bomp be bomp be bomp.

"It really surprised us when we found out." says Professor David Drake, "To think that something in our musical history could have such negative connotations. It almost boggles the mind."

It seems that the "bomp" originated not in America, as was originally believed, but in Russia during the early years of the Second World War. Josef Stalin, seeking a way to bring the Americans into the fold of communism, placed the bomp in the bomp be bomp be bomp as a way of influencing young American minds.

However, before any such attack could take place, U.S. president Franklin D. Roosevelt initiated a defense plan, and put the ram in the ramalamadingdong, effectively thwarting Stalin's plan. Due to rising tensions in Germany, both parties agreed to remain silent about these events.

Much later, it seems that a Barry Mann discovered these events while reading through old newspapers and piecing together some incongruous events. When he first attempted to come forward with his evidence, the U.S. Supreme Court placed a gag order on any of his findings. Frustrated, he wrote a song implying these connections, cleverly dodging the censors by adding other meaningless phrases like boogity-boogity-shoop. Although rumours still circulate about Hitler having developed the dip in the dip da dip da dip, these rumors remain unconfirmed.

Prof. Drake is quick to dismiss these claims. "There is, of now, no conclusive evidence that Hitler was in any way involved in the placement of the dip in the dip da dip da dip. As far as I'm concerned, this is nothing more than gossip."

2005-07-10T13:53:00.000-05:00

Engineer breaks 3 second grilling preparation milestone

God bless America and all the men with little to do.

2005-07-09T16:37:00.000-05:00

Skateboarder Clears Great Wall of China - Yahoo! News

And the Chinese have one more reason to hate us.

2005-06-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Mexico Issues Stamps of Black Character - Yahoo! News

Come on, Mexico. How can you not know this was bad timing.

2005-06-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

Flying Dog Home

What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka, Family Guy and Hunter S. Thompson?

Near the bottom of the page, entitled The Golden Ticket and Johnny Depp.

2005-06-26T19:44:00.000-05:00

The Gaping Maw - rotten.com Editorial

I leave the country for a week and stuff like this happens?!

2005-06-17T17:54:00.000-05:00

hermitgames - fun and innovative videogames

If you're an old school gamer who misses the way games were back in the golden age, this is the game for you.

2005-06-12T17:56:00.000-05:00

MilkandCookies - Water Bottle Jetpack

If there was a God in heaven, he would not allow the correct materials to go near my idle hands.

2005-06-10T16:40:00.000-05:00

How to build a Stable Plasmoid at one atmosphere.

Oh HELL yeah!

2005-06-04T18:45:00.000-05:00

N.Y. Station Suddenly Dumps Oldies Format - Yahoo! News

The station's new format is called "Jack," an eclectic mix of hit music from the '70s through the present. The station's owner, Infinity Broadcasting, made the same format shift Friday at its Chicago oldies station, WJMK-FM, where classic Top 40 had aired for the past 21 years.

WJMK-FM is Oldies 104.3. Those Fucking Bastards!

Also, from what I read, the author is angry about this.

"We did a lot of market research and found a hole in the market that wasn't being served by any other station," said Chad Brown, WCBS-FM vice president and general manager.

There are currently about a dozen stations nationally using the Jack format...

In the winter 2005 Arbitron ratings, WCBS-FM was ranked eighth among the city's stations — a strong showing, but apparently not strong enough.